In the mental health unit at the facility where my husband works as a nurse, one of the patients was complaining of rectal bleeding. After some investigation, one of the nurses learned that he had been using a tennis ball can as a dildo. She had to call the patient's attending, who wrote orders for a comparable sex toy and 1:1 observation by a staff member until a new, safe sex toy was procured.
My husband's coworker, Leanne, who is the manager for the unit, was somehow elected to buy the replacement dildo. She is notoriously polite and very slight in stature. All the staff members are harassing her to hurry up and buy something, so that they don't have to keep observing this guy. The patient threatens that the replacement dildo must be at least as wide and as long as his tennis ball can, or else he won't use it and will continue to insert random foreign objects up his butt.
All I can imagine is Leanne sheepishly bringing some huge dildo up to the register and trying to explain "really, this is for my job."