Friday, December 10, 2010

So this is my life

After my night of flipping out at work, I later saw my family doctor (she goes by Molly) who suggested I take two weeks off. One morning, I came to her office with MiniMan to pick up paperwork. I sat in her waiting room while MiniMan played with toys. I couldn't stop silently crying.

One of the nurses pulled me into an exam room. She told me that Molly wanted to talk for a minute. I curled up on the floor in the corner. The office staff started playing with MiniMan. When Molly came in, I don't remember what she told me. All I remember is being in the corner of an exam room, crying all day while she checked in on me between patients, until she called my husband at work who picked me up later that afternoon.

I don't know why Molly let me stay. She told me a story about having a breakdown in the NICU during residency and crying relentlessly in a corner.

It's hard to write about this. It's difficult to describe what was going on, because I don't even remember what I was thinking. This psych stuff is especially frustrating because it was my choice to sit on the floor and cry all day. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't do anything else.

Since then, things haven't been great. I nearly got readmitted as an inpatient again, but instead stayed at home. My husband took family medical leave from work and took care of me while Molly quickly increased my dosages of antidepressants. I stopped going to work. I stopped taking classes.

I didn't feel like doing anything, but I would go for a run most mornings, cook quite a bit, hang out with MiniMan, force myself to get dressed. I was going through the motions, but I wasn't feeling significantly better. I was obsessively pondering my suicide, whether I felt sad or even when I felt mostly fine.

I don't know how my life went from looking so bright to becoming a wasteland so quickly. I went back to work last weekend. The night nurses were so nice. They brought in celebratory food and everything was really thoughtful.. but when I had to go back a few days later I just couldn't do it. Every time I drive to work I have a panic attack in my car. I never used to have panic attacks. I've gone from being driven and capable to being this unstable, totally useless person.


  1. I remember my first job after college, it got really bad for me. I started bursting into tears for no reason on the drive to work. One day I got there, and I just couldn't stop crying. I got a new job, which helped temporarily, but everything went back to the crap hole it was before, and actually worse.

    I've never been diagnosed with depression or been suicidal, so I won't try to tell you that I know what you're going through. I can imagine that it must be pretty terrible. Remember that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. You are not going to feel this way forever, even though it seems like you will now. Things are going to get better. It just takes time. I don't know what's going to fix you, but there is something out there that will. Or that will help, anyway. You just have to keep looking, and you will find it.

  2. You are NOT useless.

    I have been diagnosed with depression. And I *have* been suicidal. I know what it feels like to long for the quiet finality of death, the welcome stillness and simplicity.

    I also know of the self-degrading whispers of the dark side of your soul whose silvery words permeate every fiber of your being. The way it chants in your ear with every in-drawn breath.

    I also know that it's all a lie.

    Be strong.

    It can get better.

    YOU can get better and the demons can be pushed away.

  3. I am so sorry for what you are going through EG. I've been reading your posts and I don't really know what to say except that I've been in really Dark Places before as well (complete mental, physical, and emotional breakdown half way through nursing school) and it took a lot of time, supportive friends, an excellent therapist and Effexor to crawl back out of them. These times taught me my limits, that I *have* limits and I'd better respect them or I will lose it. You can make it out of this Dark Place and when you do you will be stronger and more self aware because of it. We are all pulling for you.