After my night of flipping out at work, I later saw my family doctor (she goes by Molly) who suggested I take two weeks off. One morning, I came to her office with MiniMan to pick up paperwork. I sat in her waiting room while MiniMan played with toys. I couldn't stop silently crying.
One of the nurses pulled me into an exam room. She told me that Molly wanted to talk for a minute. I curled up on the floor in the corner. The office staff started playing with MiniMan. When Molly came in, I don't remember what she told me. All I remember is being in the corner of an exam room, crying all day while she checked in on me between patients, until she called my husband at work who picked me up later that afternoon.
I don't know why Molly let me stay. She told me a story about having a breakdown in the NICU during residency and crying relentlessly in a corner.
It's hard to write about this. It's difficult to describe what was going on, because I don't even remember what I was thinking. This psych stuff is especially frustrating because it was my choice to sit on the floor and cry all day. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't do anything else.
Since then, things haven't been great. I nearly got readmitted as an inpatient again, but instead stayed at home. My husband took family medical leave from work and took care of me while Molly quickly increased my dosages of antidepressants. I stopped going to work. I stopped taking classes.
I didn't feel like doing anything, but I would go for a run most mornings, cook quite a bit, hang out with MiniMan, force myself to get dressed. I was going through the motions, but I wasn't feeling significantly better. I was obsessively pondering my suicide, whether I felt sad or even when I felt mostly fine.
I don't know how my life went from looking so bright to becoming a wasteland so quickly. I went back to work last weekend. The night nurses were so nice. They brought in celebratory food and everything was really thoughtful.. but when I had to go back a few days later I just couldn't do it. Every time I drive to work I have a panic attack in my car. I never used to have panic attacks. I've gone from being driven and capable to being this unstable, totally useless person.