I find myself staring into the darkness next to my husband, feeling kind of numb. Instead I wish I were sad. I wish I were hysterically upset, sobbing, throwing things at the walls. Why would I want that? All these months I've spent trying to regain some kind of semblance of normalcy -- it doesn't make sense. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I have some kind of deep-rooted seed of self-sabotage.
Ten minutes later I'm rubbing my barely-awake husband's broad shoulders and crying, but I don't even know why. And then it's gone. Nothing. Back where I started. I want to turn the dial and stop being. Turn the radio off. No more static.
Can't sleep. Can't sleep.
I try to imagine being dead. Usually this is soothing and I can fall asleep, but this time it isn't. Now it's upsetting. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm floating away from the earth, alone in space. Profoundly alone. Just me, the stars, and the darkness.