Tuesday, February 22, 2011

another dreary post

It's not that late, but I'm tired. I don't want to go to bed. Every time I lie in bed my mind starts to drift to everything I've been trying not to think about all day: unpaid bills, dread about what will happen with work, apathy towards the future, skepticism that I will ever be able to function the way I used to, disgust with my body and my constant state of frumpiness, death, death, and more death. Sometimes I just lie quietly and cry. Other nights I hope that I'll have an aneurysm in my sleep and die. It's funny, sometimes the only thing that brings me comfort is imagining that I'm dead.

I want to be sedated. Even just being able to fall asleep, to reboot, would be a comfort, but it always seems like when I really want to, I just can't.

I've been entertaining the idea of trying Seroquel. Some of the side effects, though, like brain damage and death were kind of a deterrent. Then again, maybe it would be great. Maybe I could walk around in a bathrobe like a zombie all day.

I don't want to feel anything.


  1. Oh, honey! I don't know anyone who has tried Seroquel, but I'd give it a try. Also, if you take any anti-anxiety meds., Klonopin is supposed to help a lot with sleeping. Hang in there! This too is going to pass.

  2. this song always gives me peace. hope it helps

  3. Well, Seroquel definitely causes cataracts in beagles, but I think it would be ok for you. Why not give it a try? If that doesn't work, there are a ton of other mood stabilizers, and many of these are sedating. It might be just the ticket!

  4. RS - I'm not taking an anxiolytic right now, but my husband, too mentioned Klonopin, or even (non-controlled) Buspar. Pharmaceuticals, pharmaceuticals...!

    OMDG - I don't know. Things have been getting better, not worse, so I've just been trying to wait it out. I don't know if it's irrational, but I sort of have this fear that if I go on the bipolar meds that I'll never be able to get off of them. One minute I feel like something has to give and I should just decide to give the go ahead for a script, and the next I'm feeling okay and figure I can get by.

  5. E. Your last comment sounds just like my thought processes about starting an SSRI. When I finally did start taking one, the only regret I had was that I waited so long... For me it was like taking the meds was admitting I had a problem. The thing was, I had the problem, and the taking the drug didn't have any bearing on that...