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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

another dreary post

It's not that late, but I'm tired. I don't want to go to bed. Every time I lie in bed my mind starts to drift to everything I've been trying not to think about all day: unpaid bills, dread about what will happen with work, apathy towards the future, skepticism that I will ever be able to function the way I used to, disgust with my body and my constant state of frumpiness, death, death, and more death. Sometimes I just lie quietly and cry. Other nights I hope that I'll have an aneurysm in my sleep and die. It's funny, sometimes the only thing that brings me comfort is imagining that I'm dead.

I want to be sedated. Even just being able to fall asleep, to reboot, would be a comfort, but it always seems like when I really want to, I just can't.

I've been entertaining the idea of trying Seroquel. Some of the side effects, though, like brain damage and death were kind of a deterrent. Then again, maybe it would be great. Maybe I could walk around in a bathrobe like a zombie all day.

I don't want to feel anything.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, honey! I don't know anyone who has tried Seroquel, but I'd give it a try. Also, if you take any anti-anxiety meds., Klonopin is supposed to help a lot with sleeping. Hang in there! This too is going to pass.

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  2. this song always gives me peace. hope it helps
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMxKrwqp_4Y

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  3. Well, Seroquel definitely causes cataracts in beagles, but I think it would be ok for you. Why not give it a try? If that doesn't work, there are a ton of other mood stabilizers, and many of these are sedating. It might be just the ticket!

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  4. RS - I'm not taking an anxiolytic right now, but my husband, too mentioned Klonopin, or even (non-controlled) Buspar. Pharmaceuticals, pharmaceuticals...!

    OMDG - I don't know. Things have been getting better, not worse, so I've just been trying to wait it out. I don't know if it's irrational, but I sort of have this fear that if I go on the bipolar meds that I'll never be able to get off of them. One minute I feel like something has to give and I should just decide to give the go ahead for a script, and the next I'm feeling okay and figure I can get by.

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  5. E. Your last comment sounds just like my thought processes about starting an SSRI. When I finally did start taking one, the only regret I had was that I waited so long... For me it was like taking the meds was admitting I had a problem. The thing was, I had the problem, and the taking the drug didn't have any bearing on that...

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