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Sunday, February 27, 2011

empty

Still can't sleep.

I find myself staring into the darkness next to my husband, feeling kind of numb. Instead I wish I were sad. I wish I were hysterically upset, sobbing, throwing things at the walls. Why would I want that? All these months I've spent trying to regain some kind of semblance of normalcy -- it doesn't make sense. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I have some kind of deep-rooted seed of self-sabotage.

Ten minutes later I'm rubbing my barely-awake husband's broad shoulders and crying, but I don't even know why. And then it's gone. Nothing. Back where I started. I want to turn the dial and stop being. Turn the radio off. No more static.

Can't sleep. Can't sleep.

I try to imagine being dead. Usually this is soothing and I can fall asleep, but this time it isn't. Now it's upsetting. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm floating away from the earth, alone in space. Profoundly alone. Just me, the stars, and the darkness.

2 comments:

  1. Have you thought about working out/running? My neuro teacher was telling us that those activities increase the amount of serotonin & other NT's, essentially mimicking the effects that drugs try to produce. (I'm still a student though, so I'm not sure on the details)

    I know that your situation doesn't have some easy, one step fix, but perhaps a little exercise would help you feel more comfortable in your body.

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  2. I just wanted to say that I've been there too. I've been to the dark places where I wished that nothingness would take over.

    Medication helped me regain my sense of self, but it took a lot of time for me to get balanced emotionally.

    I wish there was more I could say that would be helpful. Hopefully, knowing that others have been where you are and have come back will bring you some (small) comfort.

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