Last week I had a meeting with my boss and Mr. Slimy Schmoozer in human resources. I ended up agreeing to resign from my job.
Before all of this, I kept going to work. I had all this anxiety about it. I had to bake a cake (to bring to work) before every shift to convince myself to walk out the door. Despite the cakes, I usually only made it through the entire night about a third of the time without flipping out beyond the point of no return. The aftermath was worse. I felt so shitty for crying uncontrollably, for not being able to do this basic job, for not being able to pull myself together. It seemed to take a couple days just to rebuild my confidence to do it all over again.
So, I'm not working. I'm not totally divorced from the hospital. Part of all this talk with boss and Mr. S. Schmoozer was the offer to let me work in another department. Right now, any place that offers a little hermitage sounds good. Morgue? Yes. Histology? Yes. Sweeping the floors in the basement? Yes. Okay. I lied. Nothing sounds good. But I have to try to ignore my pessimism, right?
But, again, I'm not currently working (once again). Anything even remotely resembling plans for the future seems kind of bleak and just emphasizes what a loser I am, so instead, I continue to divert my attention with carbohydrates. The latest craze is bread. My current endeavor is to replicate this chewy, dense sunflower raisin bread that one of the local bakeries sells. I'm thinking that with all this free time, maybe I should try to grow my own sourdough starter, too. Then I can have a little fermenting gooey pet. It will be like having a second child (who is much pickier about what to eat). I will try to fall asleep tonight thinking of baby names for my sourdough starter. Suggestions are welcome.
Maybe I should just get a lobotomy and become a baker. Actually, there's a lot of food science behind baking, so perhaps the lobotomy isn't necessary.
All this bread has made life a little easier to tolerate. I mean, who can have a mental breakdown when the house is full of warm yeasty crustiness?