Monday, February 21, 2011

the rambling path continues

I haven't been blogging lately, or communicating with anyone really, because I am so much more content to ignore reality and draw pictures of cows with my toddler.

Last week I had a meeting with my boss and Mr. Slimy Schmoozer in human resources. I ended up agreeing to resign from my job.

Before all of this, I kept going to work. I had all this anxiety about it. I had to bake a cake (to bring to work) before every shift to convince myself to walk out the door. Despite the cakes, I usually only made it through the entire night about a third of the time without flipping out beyond the point of no return. The aftermath was worse. I felt so shitty for crying uncontrollably, for not being able to do this basic job, for not being able to pull myself together. It seemed to take a couple days just to rebuild my confidence to do it all over again.

So, I'm not working. I'm not totally divorced from the hospital. Part of all this talk with boss and Mr. S. Schmoozer was the offer to let me work in another department. Right now, any place that offers a little hermitage sounds good. Morgue? Yes. Histology? Yes. Sweeping the floors in the basement? Yes. Okay. I lied. Nothing sounds good. But I have to try to ignore my pessimism, right?

But, again, I'm not currently working (once again). Anything even remotely resembling plans for the future seems kind of bleak and just emphasizes what a loser I am, so instead, I continue to divert my attention with carbohydrates. The latest craze is bread. My current endeavor is to replicate this chewy, dense sunflower raisin bread that one of the local bakeries sells. I'm thinking that with all this free time, maybe I should try to grow my own sourdough starter, too. Then I can have a little fermenting gooey pet. It will be like having a second child (who is much pickier about what to eat). I will try to fall asleep tonight thinking of baby names for my sourdough starter. Suggestions are welcome.

Maybe I should just get a lobotomy and become a baker. Actually, there's a lot of food science behind baking, so perhaps the lobotomy isn't necessary.

All this bread has made life a little easier to tolerate. I mean, who can have a mental breakdown when the house is full of warm yeasty crustiness?


  1. Baking is a valuable and fun skill to have. The hospital can wait for you.

  2. You can get the chewy effect by using a proportion of bread flour that is much higher in gluten.

    Growing up our sour dough starter was named Herman.

  3. Wasn't Betty Crocker pre-med as an undergrad? You could name your starter "Hooch". At least she/he only needs to be fed once a week. I would be happy just to stand outside and get an occasional whiff of your culinary endeavors. Like music to the nostrils.

  4. K - Yeah, surprisingly, I only started baking a lot when I didn't have any money to buy bread. Flour, even the nicer stuff, is pretty cheap compared to buying bread regularly. I guess it is a good skill...just in case we get snowed in or there's an apocalypse.

    Nurse XY - Thanks for the idea. I'll have to pick up some bread flour. I have a box of vital wheat gluten that I sometimes use with whole wheat stuff. I wonder if I can add some to all purpose flour to get a gluten ratio similar to bread flour. Probably just easier to buy more flour.

    Jon - Right now this early stage for the starter needs to be fed every couple days and aerated two to three times a day! I always thought that people just bought sourdough starters, cause you always see places online selling them, but this one I'm trying to get to ferment on it's own. I think it's working. It already has a few bubbles. I like the idea coaxing some microorganisms into my flour instead of just feeding some kind of cloned offspring. I hope it works out.