Wednesday, March 9, 2011

everybody hurts

The indigo sky is becoming black. I pull into my driveway after a long doctor's appointment. I can barely open my car door, the snow is so high. I manage to gain a few inches and plunge a sneakered foot into at least a foot of snow.

I open the door, remove my sloppy shoes. The house is dark, unusually quiet.

"Hi guys!" I set down a few groceries on the floor.

I hear MiniMan upstairs watching reruns of Dinosaur Train on Netflix. My husband eventually walks down the stairs. He wears huge weary circles under his eyes and a look of defeat.

"I was just about to grab MiniMan and start looking for you. I thought you were dead."

I take my husband into my arms and hold him awkwardly, stroking his head. I pull him closer, listening to ragged sobs. He doesn't collapse into my arms. Instead, he just stands there, stiff, alone. I don't know what to do. He almost never cries. I'm blank, empty, somewhere else. I should be more empathetic. He has every reason to lament but it makes me squirm. A better wife would know what to do.

It must be my turn to be the sane one, or at least the strong one, but instead I just want to bolt. How fucked up is that?

"It will be okay. I'll figure this stuff out. We'll figure it out. It will be okay." I say, unconvinced. I rub his back.

I don't know how to comfort him. I don't know if he'll ever stop worrying, if he'll ever trust me. Maybe he shouldn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like a contaminated water source, slowly introducing my filth to fester in him.


  1. Well, I hope he has some strength, too, because it's not very fair to blame everything on you and have you be the "strong" one. Sounds like you have been all this time prior and caved in under the pressure. Now, it's his turn. That's what marriage is all about. He has to step up and help you, support you. I'm not saying breaking down is not ok; it is, but he has to pick up the pieces you left and help you.

    This is no different from you having a debilitating physical disease where all the responsibilities (even grocery shopping) would fall onto his shoulders. He married you in "sickness and in health" so he's a time to show it.

    Just my 2 cents.

  2. This must be really hard- but it sounds like he is handling it the best way he knows how. It also seems like he loves you a ton, so I hope you can take comfort in that as you try to get better.

  3. Aw! Take good care of your two boys, they do love you so!

  4. Anything that I have tried to write just comes across as sounding completely trite so I will only say this: my heart aches for you in this dark time.

    You have just this one precious life, try and survive until the heaviness lifts. It will lift.