I still find myself wanting to be dead, though. Not really in an emotional way, just in a constant detached way. It's starting to be all I can think about again.
I think about it during the day when I'm feeding my kid lunch; I dream about it; I wake up in the middle of the night and start planning. Sometimes I just want to get in my car right away, to drive somewhere and just get it over with. Funny how once you have a kid, you even have to find childcare just to kill yourself.
Most likely things are bound to change, they're bound to become better or something, but I really don't care.
I want to spend all of my days alone, but I don't feel safe with myself. We are not friends. I am out to get me.