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Monday, April 18, 2011

everything's fine

I haven't had a doctor's appointment in weeks (overbooked and underpaid), and haven't seen my psychologist in a few weeks, either (vacation to a far-away paradise).  And it's almost surprising, everything is really, so uneventful that I can't help but wonder what all the fuss is about all this talking and drug taking.

I remember as an undergrad I used to go through a similar process.  I'd get partway through the semester, my credit load at the max or teetering over the limit, working, volunteering, cooking, tutoring, playing rugby (!), auditioning.  I considered myself somewhat invincible and seemed to succeed at whatever I put my mind to.  I'd finish my midterms in one last puff of exertion, and then, come that one week break, I'd have cloistered myself in my dorm room, slowly slitting away at my arms or my legs just to gain some temporary relief, meanwhile planning my demise.

I can remember talking to my brilliant and ridiculously hardworking close friend, how she insisted that I see a psychotherapist (after all, she does, and it helped her).  I'd wonder if something was actually wrong.  Something seemed cripplingly wrong.  It would take all my energy just to look up a few therapists, leave a few messages.  Most of the time I lost my courage by the time I listened to their voicemail messages.  

By the time I heard back from anyone, everything was fine.  Everything was absolutely fine.  It really was.  I had of course, wondered what had possessed me before, to feel the way that I did, but classes had resumed.  It was over now, and I didn't need help.  Maybe I was just one of those people who needed to be busy to be comfortable.

I think I went through this process (of seeking and then dismissing the need for psychotherapy) at least five times. When I think about it now, it's sort of stunning that I never noticed this sort of classic pattern, but here I am, once again craving some independence, feeling just fine. 

5 comments:

  1. Eeks! Well, you already know your pattern, so don't give into your feelings. Keep talking during the good times AND the bad times. Then, when you hit a wall, you'll be in the habit of going to someone regularly and not have to find the energy to get through the initial steps of seeking someone out and starting the process fresh again. It's our natural tendency to want to stop anything when we feel better, but that doesn't mean that you should!

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  2. Um, you need to keep seeing your therapist. You had a hospitalization, what, 3 months ago? You are definitely not out of the woods yet. Perhaps working with him/her will help you figure out ways to cope with the downs so they don't hit you so hard/don't happen at all.

    Just keep going, ok?

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  3. Cool blog- just found you through Old MD Girl haha! You should take a look at this other blog I found about an incoming med student who is in to cooking and knitting and stuff - http://foodandmed.blogspot.com/

    Anyways, look forward to following your adventures!

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  4. I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'll echo OMDG- keep going to therapy so you keep feeling well!

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  5. Thanks for following! Excited to read about somebody else's adventures/misadventures in food and medicine!

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