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Sunday, April 15, 2012

finding balance

I have been debating for a few months now, what to do with this blog.  Sometimes I think maybe I should start blogging again, other times I wonder if it's a waste of my time or if it just makes me feel more anxious than content.  Then again, what I write about and how I choose to portray it is my choice.  Another part of my wonders if there's any benefit to sharing my story with other people.

Anyway, I've decided to give things a test run.  We'll see how it goes.

It's funny, sometimes I'm not sure if this is still really a pre-med blog, because right now, I'm not even sure what I want to do.  I mentioned in my last post (several months ago) that I dropped physics (for the second time).  I remember feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed with myself.  In retrospect, though, I don't think I could have made a better choice.

At the time I was balancing a new job with a lot of overtime that was working to meet an upcoming deadline (now once again pushed back), a marriage that was going down the tubes, my child, and physics.  I finally had an "aha!" realization that if I tried to do it all, I wouldn't be able to do it all well.  Either I would:

a) go nuts again
b) lose my marriage
c) do poorly in my new job/not be able to contribute the way I wanted to
d) screw up my kid
e) not get an A or something close in physics
f) some combination/all of the above

So, I decided to put physics on the back burner.  I guess once I was finally faced with the risk of a-f (above), it just seemed like it wasn't the most immediate priority.  I'm okay with that.  I'm still only 26.  I finally have a job that is paying me decently (got a significant raise in the fall) and my marriage seems to have survived a long period of hardship (debating how to outline this in the coming posts, or if it's easier to just keep moving forward and not look back).

I'm not doing a whole lot, right now.  I'm working about sixty hours a week.  I'm going running a lot more regularly.  Thinking about doing a half marathon in the summer.  Down to 25mg QD of the Seroquel and nothing else.  Not seeing a shrink, but listening to a lot of Tara Brach who has really offered a lot of clarity.  And surprisingly, I am really enjoying my life.  I'm enjoying the weekends and spending time with my friends and my family, cooking, being outside, and even just trying to fix up the house.  I know it sounds kind of basic, but I feel like for the longest time I've been working so hard with the goal of some day being happy.  I finally realized I don't have to wait.

7 comments:

  1. Welcome back. I have to disagree with your statement about "not doing a whole lot". Working 60 hours a week plus running plus raising a child plus being part of a marriage is enough to fill anyone's time! We are often so focused in our society on wanting more and becoming more that we find it hard to just enjoy what we have and accept where we are, but it sounds like you are doing just that, and being a happier person for it.

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  2. I'm glad you're back; had missed reading your writing.

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  3. SD - Maybe you are right. My current lifestyle is definitely enough to make me tired! There does seem to be a cultural preoccupation with being busy/achieving/working. Whenever I'm debating whether to work harder or do something I enjoy, I sometimes ask myself "when I'm on my death bed will I wish 'I worked harder?'" Probably not.

    C - Thanks. I think it will be good to blog again. I ordered a dress and a pencil skirt from j.crew a few weeks ago and thought of you.

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  4. E,
    I've decided to delerk for a while and just say that I am so glad to see a post from you. I always would wonder how you were doing and if you are ok. I am glad to see that you have decided to start blogging again and look forward to reading all about you. As far as the physics goes I agree with you, the choice you made seems to be the right one. I hated physics too. Congrats on the pay raise, and good luck on the half marathon!

    - M

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  5. I agree with SD. You are doing a lot.

    I am also glad you're back. I've missed your regular updates.

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  6. Was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering where you were at and hoping things were looking up. I am so very very very pleased that you are blogging again. It sounds like you are coming out of a very dark place and I am really happy to hear about your current outlook. :) YAY!

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