I have been debating for a few months now, what to do with this blog. Sometimes I think maybe I should start blogging again, other times I wonder if it's a waste of my time or if it just makes me feel more anxious than content. Then again, what I write about and how I choose to portray it is my choice. Another part of my wonders if there's any benefit to sharing my story with other people.
Anyway, I've decided to give things a test run. We'll see how it goes.
It's funny, sometimes I'm not sure if this is still really a pre-med blog, because right now, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I mentioned in my last post (several months ago) that I dropped physics (for the second time). I remember feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed with myself. In retrospect, though, I don't think I could have made a better choice.
At the time I was balancing a new job with a lot of overtime that was working to meet an upcoming deadline (now once again pushed back), a marriage that was going down the tubes, my child, and physics. I finally had an "aha!" realization that if I tried to do it all, I wouldn't be able to do it all well. Either I would:
a) go nuts again
b) lose my marriage
c) do poorly in my new job/not be able to contribute the way I wanted to
d) screw up my kid
e) not get an A or something close in physics
f) some combination/all of the above
So, I decided to put physics on the back burner. I guess once I was finally faced with the risk of a-f (above), it just seemed like it wasn't the most immediate priority. I'm okay with that. I'm still only 26. I finally have a job that is paying me decently (got a significant raise in the fall) and my marriage seems to have survived a long period of hardship (debating how to outline this in the coming posts, or if it's easier to just keep moving forward and not look back).
I'm not doing a whole lot, right now. I'm working about sixty hours a week. I'm going running a lot more regularly. Thinking about doing a half marathon in the summer. Down to 25mg QD of the Seroquel and nothing else. Not seeing a shrink, but listening to a lot of Tara Brach who has really offered a lot of clarity. And surprisingly, I am really enjoying my life. I'm enjoying the weekends and spending time with my friends and my family, cooking, being outside, and even just trying to fix up the house. I know it sounds kind of basic, but I feel like for the longest time I've been working so hard with the goal of some day being happy. I finally realized I don't have to wait.