So, what happened? I know I've mostly been posting fluff this past week, and I think that's a little easier to deal with than being introspective. Everything that has happened over the past several months is really too much for me to sit down and write all at once, so I'll start at the beginning of when I really stopped posting, at least, posting about what was going on.
Although at the time I think my tunnel vision was too narrow to really realize it, I really hurt my husband while I was depressed. I isolated myself, and as a result, isolated him. I gave him the emotional burden of having to worry about not only me, but also about his kid and the prospect of being a single parent. I wasn't always kind. I don't think I went out of my way to be loving. I don't really remember. I don't remember a whole lot about the past year and a half. Maybe that is for the better.
Meanwhile, not long before I started going back to work, my husband befriended some woman he worked with. She offered to babysit our kid if we ever had a problem. He described her as being very empathetic towards me; she had spent six months in a psych facility for bulimia and other issues. She seemed okay, and I think, more importantly, someone was there for him at a time when I wasn't, really. She was the one who recommended the daycare provider who ended up falling through at the last minute. She seemed like she was really trying to be friendly. He joked that they had been eating lunch with her so regularly that his coworkers accused them of having an affair. They were both amused. That was how I think it all started.
I started feeling a lot better after I got back to work, but one night after a bad argument about I don't even remember what, I think, of all things, me being overwhelmed, wanting to bail, and trying to go to sleep, things went downhill. I ended up calling my doctor and friend in a state of hysteria, and she ended up calling the cops, who came to my house. They came, took me away, and meanwhile stumbled upon a comparatively benign but illegal substance belonging to my husband. Awesome. For the first time, I got to ride in the back of a police car to take a trip to the emergency department at the hospital where I worked. I ended up being forced to take my clothes off, and ultimately getting a dose of IM Haldol for my civil disobedience-type attitude. I remember waking up to a psych nurse screaming a name similar to my name (I guess she was not so detail-oriented) and then getting angry that I was not responding promptly (well, what do you expect after drugging me?). I don't even think I wrote about it. It's probably worth outlining in more detail some day. Our mental health system is fucked up. I suppose you could argue I was behaving poorly, though, too. It is an awkward situation to have this happen at the place where you work.
Anyway, as you can imagine, spending yet another night in the hospital and getting my husband busted did not work wonders for our marriage. Somehow we seemed kind of be getting through it, though.
|For more information on cankles,|
see the grouchy post at this blog
As time progressed, he was spending more and more time with this woman from work (from this point forward, I'll refer to her as "Cankles" for some comic relief. She is actually very slender - she just has cankles). He was taking MiniMan over to her new house that she just bought with her husband and MiniMan was playing with her kids. I still hadn't met them yet. It seemed nice that MiniMan had friends. At one point he asked me if it was okay with me if he and Cankles both took all the kids swimming together. I said no. I was definitely miffed. All of a sudden it seemed like he was more interested in making time for his Cankles than he was for me. I wasn't really sure what had happened to us.
I remember eating lunch with one of my old CV tech friends at the hospital and saying "I just have this feeling he's cheating on me. And the funny thing is, I don't even think I care."
Did I mention, we were not in a good place?
Meanwhile, my good friends turned out to neighbors with Cankles, and Cankles couldn't afford daycare anymore due to her brand-new mortgage payments for the new house, so my very kind friends started taking care of her two kids for 150 dollars a week (what a deal!), until the grandma retired to provide permanent free daycare.
I remember asking my friends about Cankles - you know, was she an okay person? I was a little suspicious of her. They assured me she was cool. I decided I was probably just being a little paranoid. I let it go.